He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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