i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Randomize
