I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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