??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
What a dumb baby whore.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
