Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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