I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
