He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
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