Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
