She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I just want nice things and good sex
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Randomize
