I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
