if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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