i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
