I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
