I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
