my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
