did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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