Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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