I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Randomize
