Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
