Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Randomize
