just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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