Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
