wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
