1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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