:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
