Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
