At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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