My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
