fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
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