Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
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