Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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