please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
