She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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