Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Randomize
