im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
All the doctor said was why
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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