Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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