Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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