you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
