her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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