mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
