I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
