I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
then he tried to convert me to islam
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Can't talk, ducks in the car
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
