On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
