Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
