Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
