The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
