I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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