I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
