life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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