kristin has been a bad kristin
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
