it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
