Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
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