He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Randomize
