I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
