Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
