I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Randomize
