I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
The struggles of a small town man whore
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
