im having a threesome with these popsicles
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
