then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
