can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
