My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
You can't just leave with hair like that
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
