if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
