My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
