The best revenge is premature balding
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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